essence of love?

The darkness of winter nights grow long, a cold wind and it’s constant freight train like sound mixed with screeches and screams, creaks and moans, whistles in the trees calling out to any ear within range. Wind chill and blown snow, a layer of ice and a deep appreciation for my four walls and a roof, a stack of firewood, propane in the tank, food in the pantry and water flowing from the tap. With all such life support issues for the moment in order my mind begins to wander and I watch the first rays of the morning light as it shines forth through the trees and over the eastern horizon.

What is this? This relationship we all have with ourselves, with others, with life and with lovers. How is it that we come together, something within resonated and we feel the draw to connect, to become intimate, is it the desire to know oneness with what is outside our own existence. How is it that we find those or that in which we come into sacred contact with? Do we choose? And what is fear? The place I know inside that runs from what I am drawn to. Is it the fear of loosing self in the oneness, of the joining in and loosing the boundary of separation? As I sit and watch the sunrise and the trees hold the form and change from shape to color, I wonder, what is the space between the me and the tree, between you and me, between my thoughts and my body and me? A Zen circle, an open place, the desire to close the space. To connect, to feel skin upon skin, to join the yin and the yang of union, enter deep in body abandonment, allowing sexual, spiritual and loving union to take place. To accept the desire of divine motivation to experience the space between becoming joined and realizing the space between the emptiness that holds all of everything together is this essence of love?

I am in the state of winter. Cold and dark, inward and quiet, it is not easy at times and the patience of allowing nothing to be happening challenges my ideas of being full, warm, productive and outward. I am surrounded and protected in my own womb, the place to seek peace and enter dreams. At times I long for the warmth of another body in the darkness of the night, lips to kiss, a yoni to enter, the small of your back to pull up tight as I go deep within and feel the splendid wonder of orgasmic bliss that can permeate and join two bodies as one and together enter the universe. The guru said we are one and at the time I believed him and still there are times, deep in meditation, deep in the creative process and alone deep in nature, I Am That. And still my mind is not still; still enough to not slip back into the ego self that separates myself from all. Enters fear and doubt, judgment and shame then what if my fire wood supply…? What If? And What the Fuck? Then poof as bad as it could get, the worst that could happen, and it Is, it is all alright, reconnection is restored, compassion for self and all, remembering life dose come with an element of suffering and once again I breath a sigh of beauty, that moment of peace and returning to what just may be, back to the essence of love.

Lonely?

My sister asked “do you get lonely out here”? I had to pause and ask my self, “Who is here to be lonely?” After three years or so, never been real good about keeping track of time, there is someone I know that I never really knew before. This is I, the personality I wake up with in the morning, and the one I argue with over what we should be doing or what we want to do. Who’s doing the dishes tonight, you better exercise, do your paperwork and so on. Sometimes we have such a great time walking in the woods, a glass of wine, a fabulous home cooked meal, a night in the studio creating with splendid jazz in the back ground. There maybe a psychological condition to this or perhaps it’s just a Gemini thing but there certainly seems like there is more then just the one living in this cabin. Do I want a partner, a real live other person to share this lifetime with? I have lived all my life thinking so and what that would look like and to a certain extent preparing for that other one to move in to this life. Now at fifty, single never married, having shared myself intimately with lovers I still love deeply and several have become my best friends. I just don’t know any longer what my fate of partnership looks like. No longer is the vision what it once was. No longer am I longing to create a nuclear family, Art has become my extension into the after life, my contribution to the future, the mark that I was here.

The question “do I get lonely?”…. The longer I am alive the richer my own company becomes. We have been together for so long now we have come to truly love each other, we accept our follies, agree to disagree, play and work together and we realize we are in this together for the entire journey, best to be best friends and enjoy the ride together.

There may just be room for another in this life and their other as well. A relationship is so much more than two people coming together. It is a community a village a family. What a fantastic relationship of group dynamics, to know who’s communicating with who, who wants what, who needs what and who can provide and who cannot.

I see an outside relationship as an extension of the inside one. A mirror to see myself, my many selves and I a reflection of the other and their many others. The difference in self-relationship and with another is the space between the distance is always there, always, no matter how close or far, it to be respected and to know that there is always a space between the us.

Am I lonely? Am I alone? There are times when the crows are my companion, it feels like love, I have love with my friends, my deep and intimate relationships are filled with love, the days that go by that I do not have contact with people seem to be filled with conversation with my very best friend and this I have come to realize is Love.

Alone at times, Yes, Lonely??? Yes at times, Solitary? Yes but not in confinement. Content? Very much So.

Virginia, I’ve heard it said it’s the last stop before heaven. I wonder what color heaven would be. Virginia is green, green everywhere, I look over fields of grass into lush forests of hardwoods and pines all surrounded and engulfed in green. They say the heart chakra, is stimulated by green and I believe life gives us exactly what it is we need in every moment. If this is the case at this time in my life I need all this green energy surrounding me. I think I may be learning something about love. The more time I spend with myself by myself the more I get this sense of love all around. To whom is the relationship happening with? Is it I? Is it God? Is it the part of me that is watching the whole show, laughing at the antics, knowing the sweet compassion of my struggles and taking the deep breath of joy when I just relax into a moment? In the moments when I accept the not knowing and let go of the trying to figure it out, there is a point of eternity that it all is just…Is.

There is a sweet gentle rain falling this morning. It touches the poet inside and to honor him I will post a few poems that came through a couple mornings ago.

Sleepy morning eyes

Sleepy morning eyes.

The first cup of tea.

The first light of the day.

Sounds of birds waking, singing their morning songs.

Insects begin to buzz.

Cool air.

Delight in the first sun rays before the rise.

A stillness.

An awakening.

Peace.

Life still

at rest.

Feeling Morning

As I feel the morning.

Between the dream and the day

Cool air awakens my skin

Song birds touch my ears

Sweet warm tea on my lips

The smell of dew in the grass

Feeling morning.

A lover beside me

I notice a lover beside me.

In the crisp morning air.

In the bird songs.

In the sweetness of my earl grey.

In the lush greenery that surrounds me.

In the first morning light.

Next to me is a lover.

Inside me.

and I thought I was alone.

Ever Present.

The ever present sense of fear and doubt

Slipping into the shadows of love and gratitude

Awake in this moment

Only to be

Is plenty

Knowing all will be provided for

As all has

Always

In all ways

Peace and trust

Confidence

In the process of life

Oh the love

Oh the joy

Of simply being

Breath by breath.

Back in Floyd VA

Back from California about three weeks plus and I’m sitting in the same chair I did way back when (the morning of Thanksgiving, sketchbook still open to the page). Quite the journey indeed, 10 days became 7 months, totally unexpected and I praise having the lifestyle that can change in such an instant. Well, awesome it was to sink into a major sculpture and be paid for it. Wow, during the project I was so on, loving every day starting at the gym working in the studio having deep connections of love and healing, I was on top of my game.

Then I finished the project..... Thought I was prepared for a slight dip but jeez did I go down. Realizing that I just built a 40,000 pound tombstone to honor the death of thousands of native peoples where genocide occurred during the gold rush and to the environment that is still dead from the white mans greed. This was all fine as it needed to be expressed, the piece has become a prayer wheel a healing circle and I am good even proud with all that. But down I went into self doubt, loneliness, grief, bewilderment, feeling for the Indian, feeling exposed I started smoking American spirit cigarettes and caught a habit. Forget the gym, work and the game I was on top of. The game all of a sudden seemed like a total farce and me just a player in something that meant nothing. Oh what self loathing I fell into. Managed to pull it together enough to throw myself a 50th birthday party a loving self act that manifested in so much realized love in return. Still in need of some deep healing it was time to return to the blue ridge mountains here in Floyd VA. Back in the woods, swimming in the fresh spring fed pond walking in the woods sometimes barefoot sometimes naked. Back into the nature that surrounds me, back into a primal place that touches my sole and reminds me as alone as I am in this world, I am alone with all. Got off the smokes got on the path of health, eating from the garden walking for miles doing my yoga, meditation, contemplation reading the good books and loving all the aspects this self I inhabit.

This path as an open sensitive man / artist has it's perks and it's valleys. I am grateful for the emotional width, I feel alive and I do feel solid and healthy enough to handle the ride on the swing set of my life. I have a place to channel it all, the physical presence of my sculpture can capture whatever it is that I am facing. Perhaps I am in deeper then I realize and I do feel I am in deep with some new self realizations that need time to be contemplated lived with bathed in and taken to heart. I love being back in my little paradise, so peaceful it is time in solitude and time in the studio. The creative muse has a hold on me, her energy of force is flowing. I have seven new sculptures in the works another couple right behind those and an inspiration that flows through me that energizes my body to do whatever it takes to work the work.

I am happy beyond my wildest dreams at times, alone at times I find a smile on my face. There are times I slip into "whats the point" and I know this as I have experienced the dark night of the soul, I know now I do not need nor want to know the point, it only brings me to suffer a question with no answer, I find peace in accepting the is is enough. So for now creating art takes me down a path that leads me to a my own bliss and brilliance and this is my gift both within and without. No real purpose or reason it just feels good and to the best of my knowledge I am not hurting anyone in the process.

Men Cry

For a man to cry he must be empowered in his true masculine essence, he must know who he is and know that his strength can hold him face to face with anything the world can through at him. Once a man is solid in himself he can open to the deep pain of sadness, fear and shame he carries for being a part of the shadow patriarchal system that is bringing this beautiful feminine planet to the brink of death. We can cry for the loss of our fathers and the elders that once intended to initiate us into the sacred world of the masculine, we will cry for the loss of a powerful mother that stands in the divine feminine energy and nurtures us and opens her heart unconditionally. We cry for the lover we never have found that touches us deep and allows herself to be touched, opened and taken to the universal orgasm in witch we both let go and experience “God” coercing through juice of our life. In this place we can cry at a TV commercial that reminds us of this, nature can crack us open, knowing our mission in the world to be in our benevolent kingship and to fight for the health of the planet and for the protection of the women and children who depend upon our strength to do what needs to be done in a good way. Deep down we know what is missing and we grieve late at night when we are all alone or if we are lucky we sit in sacred circles with other men and share what is real, what hurts more then we want to admit and to know we are not alone. We can then cry, cry tears of joy to reconnect to our core, when we fully support one another rather than fight and try to out macho each other then we can open our hearts. Finely we can become sacred lovers, warriors, magicians and kings, we can merge with our sacred masculine with our beloved the divine feminine in realms beyond what only our distant ancestors knew as well as right here on the ground in which we stand. This is what will crack us open this is when you will see the flood of tears, snot and a wailing that will leave no doubt in your being that a man a true man can truly cry.