Wednesday, September 29, 2010


My sister asked “do you get lonely out here”? I had to pause and ask my self, “Who is here to be lonely?” After three years or so, never been real good about keeping track of time, there is someone I know that I never really knew before. This is I, the personality I wake up with in the morning, and the one I argue with over what we should be doing or what we want to do. Who’s doing the dishes tonight, you better exercise, do your paperwork and so on. Sometimes we have such a great time walking in the woods, a glass of wine, a fabulous home cooked meal, a night in the studio creating with splendid jazz in the back ground. There maybe a psychological condition to this or perhaps it’s just a Gemini thing but there certainly seems like there is more then just the one living in this cabin. Do I want a partner, a real live other person to share this lifetime with? I have lived all my life thinking so and what that would look like and to a certain extent preparing for that other one to move in to this life. Now at fifty, single never married, having shared myself intimately with lovers I still love deeply and several have become my best friends. I just don’t know any longer what my fate of partnership looks like. No longer is the vision what it once was. No longer am I longing to create a nuclear family, Art has become my extension into the after life, my contribution to the future, the mark that I was here.

The question “do I get lonely?”…. The longer I am alive the richer my own company becomes. We have been together for so long now we have come to truly love each other, we accept our follies, agree to disagree, play and work together and we realize we are in this together for the entire journey, best to be best friends and enjoy the ride together.

There may just be room for another in this life and their other as well. A relationship is so much more than two people coming together. It is a community a village a family. What a fantastic relationship of group dynamics, to know who’s communicating with who, who wants what, who needs what and who can provide and who cannot.

I see an outside relationship as an extension of the inside one. A mirror to see myself, my many selves and I a reflection of the other and their many others. The difference in self-relationship and with another is the space between the distance is always there, always, no matter how close or far, it to be respected and to know that there is always a space between the us.

Am I lonely? Am I alone? There are times when the crows are my companion, it feels like love, I have love with my friends, my deep and intimate relationships are filled with love, the days that go by that I do not have contact with people seem to be filled with conversation with my very best friend and this I have come to realize is Love.

Alone at times, Yes, Lonely??? Yes at times, Solitary? Yes but not in confinement. Content? Very much So.