The darkness of winter nights grow long, a cold wind and it’s constant freight train like sound mixed with screeches and screams, creaks and moans, whistles in the trees calling out to any ear within range. Wind chill and blown snow, a layer of ice and a deep appreciation for my four walls and a roof, a stack of firewood, propane in the tank, food in the pantry and water flowing from the tap. With all such life support issues for the moment in order my mind begins to wander and I watch the first rays of the morning light as it shines forth through the trees and over the eastern horizon.
What is this? This relationship we all have with ourselves, with others, with life and with lovers. How is it that we come together, something within resonated and we feel the draw to connect, to become intimate, is it the desire to know oneness with what is outside our own existence. How is it that we find those or that in which we come into sacred contact with? Do we choose? And what is fear? The place I know inside that runs from what I am drawn to. Is it the fear of loosing self in the oneness, of the joining in and loosing the boundary of separation? As I sit and watch the sunrise and the trees hold the form and change from shape to color, I wonder, what is the space between the me and the tree, between you and me, between my thoughts and my body and me? A Zen circle, an open place, the desire to close the space. To connect, to feel skin upon skin, to join the yin and the yang of union, enter deep in body abandonment, allowing sexual, spiritual and loving union to take place. To accept the desire of divine motivation to experience the space between becoming joined and realizing the space between the emptiness that holds all of everything together is this essence of love?
I am in the state of winter. Cold and dark, inward and quiet, it is not easy at times and the patience of allowing nothing to be happening challenges my ideas of being full, warm, productive and outward. I am surrounded and protected in my own womb, the place to seek peace and enter dreams. At times I long for the warmth of another body in the darkness of the night, lips to kiss, a yoni to enter, the small of your back to pull up tight as I go deep within and feel the splendid wonder of orgasmic bliss that can permeate and join two bodies as one and together enter the universe. The guru said we are one and at the time I believed him and still there are times, deep in meditation, deep in the creative process and alone deep in nature, I Am That. And still my mind is not still; still enough to not slip back into the ego self that separates myself from all. Enters fear and doubt, judgment and shame then what if my fire wood supply…? What If? And What the Fuck? Then poof as bad as it could get, the worst that could happen, and it Is, it is all alright, reconnection is restored, compassion for self and all, remembering life dose come with an element of suffering and once again I breath a sigh of beauty, that moment of peace and returning to what just may be, back to the essence of love.